Sir Court House, Defender of Seats

I'm reading the newspaper on the metro when all of a sudden I feel a soft warm feeling against my left arm. Comforting at first I ignored it until that originally soothing warmth becomes irritatingly hot and starts to make my left arm sweat but my right arm is freezing. Like seriously WTF is that heat coming from? Oh. The guy sitting next to me. Who is now asleep. Who is my size and weight but has somehow managed to take over not only his seat but mine as well. Now I am literally pushed up against the window because he has taken over my seat. I've tried everything to regain my territory. I glared. I made loads of throat clearing noises. I did a quick strike to his right arm. I awkwardly put my left arm all over his right one. I kicked his foot. I've tried everything. This man is determined and my stop is coming up so I am now sitting in a third of my seat, up against the window. Rosslyn you cannot come fast enough. Half of my body is burning and half is freezing. Also a guy behind me saw me and offered to help me. Sir, you are amazing. You are my knight of the metro. I knight thee Sir Court House, Defender of Seats.

Oh and to the guy sitting behind me next to Sir Court House, Defender of Seats. I saw you taking a picture of my hair. Did not appreciate you sticking your phone in the back of my head. Although turning around and seeing you freak out because I caught you made my metro ride. So thank you hair fetish paparazzi guy. You made my day.

Inappropriate Bathroom Noises

(This is what I was thinking about during this distressing experience- have no fear, I did not bring my laptop into the bathroom and blog from there...)

Dear woman in the bathroom two stalls to my right,

Please stop making loud, inappropriate moaning noises while I am trying to go to the bathroom.  You are not the only person in there.  I know that you may not realize that, but seriously, from now on can you please just always imagine that there is always someone else in the bathroom with you who does not want to hear you getting off while you're taking a crap?  Its difficult enough for some people to go when theres someone else in there, but its even more difficult and distracting when an overly large woman cannot stop her pleasure moaning for a whole minute.  And yes,  I can say that you're a large woman seeing as you left your size 1X elastic waist band jeans in the stall between us.  Seriously woman, what in the world were you doing that you had to take off your ginormous jeans and then throw them into the stall between us.  Do you really get off by going to the bathroom?  Really?  Thats absolutely disgusting.  You made me sick to my stomach but I didn't want to stay in that bathroom any longer.  You truly know how to clear the room.  On that I give you props.  But really, next time, can you please get your kicks in the privacy of your own home.  And I pray that you're single.  Oh and don't tell me that those pants weren't yours.  I saw your sausage fingers reach under the stall to pick them up.  Those brown Minnetonka moccasins you saw push them towards you?  Yeah, I plan on burning them.  You were the last person to see them before they are consumed by the flames to rid them of their impurities.  And one last thing, the thank you after I pushed the pants towards you and the smile and hello you gave me when I was washing my hands does not make me like you.  Actually it made me wanna gag.  I think I would have preferred it if you hadn't attempted any kind of human interaction.  Then I could have at least pretended that you were a troll.  A giant, farting, moaning troll but no.  You had to make sure that I knew that you were human.  Just evil.  Just pure evil.

Sincerely,
The girl who just puked in her mouth

P.S. This goes out to Eppley Airfield- your bathrooms aren't the worst I've seen but for sanitation reasons, it might be best to put the soap dispensers more than 3 inches above the sink.  It makes it kind of difficult to wash your hands if your hands don't fit between the soap dispenser and the sink.  So all those people in your airport that just came out of the bathroom and have larger hands...yeah...enjoy.

It's who's day?

A lot has happened since my last post, but I won't even attempt to relate it herew nor would I think that people would be interested. Instead, let me tell you of some new people that I have become aware of in the past month. One person that I have recently become are of is someone that I had recently noticed previously but had not really thought much of other than the casual notion that he was probably insane. Over the past month I have become increasingly aware that not only was my original notion correct, but more correct in ways that I never thought possible. Now I will not state all of his crazies in this one posting but I'd like you to muse on a concept and just think about what it means to you. What does Tuesday mean to you? Have you thought about it? Are you staring at the computer confused? We you wondering wtf Im talking about? Let me tell you what this extraordinarily gentlemen told one of my coworkers. Tuesday is the day of Mars. As such he wears red in honor of him. Ok let me tell you what happened. I have a friend who can imitate this guys vice so perfectly that my skin feels like its crawling every time he does it. Soooo recently he wore a red shirt to work and then informed me that our extraorindary friend was wearing a red shirt too. A first I tout he was full of it. Then I realized that they were both in fact wearing red short sleeved button down shirts. And that he had worn the red shirt on purpose. I told my friend that he should inform the extraorindary man that he liked his outfit that day. My friend said that he wouldnt do it without an audience. At the time I thought it ridiculous but I understand his rationale. Some things are meant to be shared. This was one of them. Sooo a bunch of doing our usual coffee club thing in the afternoon bump into our extraordinary friend and my other friend just can't help himself. He has to go and tell our extraordinary friend just how much he likes his shirt. Their matching shirts. Instead of mentioning the fact that they are both wearing the same shirts, our extraordinary friend says the following sentence: "I wear red on Tuesday in honor of Mars." No he was not doing it to pull our tail. No, none of us were expecting it. I therefore did something that horrifies me. I started laughing so hard that I almost peed myself. I had to run out of the area so that i could stop biting my fist which wasalmost about to bleed. No for real, thats how hard i was biting into my fist to stop myself from laughing. I couldnthelp it. I just wasn't expecting that response. No normal human being would expect that response as their real, true answer to the comment of, I like your shirt. I gotta say, our extraordinary friend did one on me. This I will say to him. Thank you for giving me a greater appreciation and respect for Tuesdays. I hope that you all have a greater respect for it too. Happy Tuesday! :)