Sir Court House, Defender of Seats

I'm reading the newspaper on the metro when all of a sudden I feel a soft warm feeling against my left arm. Comforting at first I ignored it until that originally soothing warmth becomes irritatingly hot and starts to make my left arm sweat but my right arm is freezing. Like seriously WTF is that heat coming from? Oh. The guy sitting next to me. Who is now asleep. Who is my size and weight but has somehow managed to take over not only his seat but mine as well. Now I am literally pushed up against the window because he has taken over my seat. I've tried everything to regain my territory. I glared. I made loads of throat clearing noises. I did a quick strike to his right arm. I awkwardly put my left arm all over his right one. I kicked his foot. I've tried everything. This man is determined and my stop is coming up so I am now sitting in a third of my seat, up against the window. Rosslyn you cannot come fast enough. Half of my body is burning and half is freezing. Also a guy behind me saw me and offered to help me. Sir, you are amazing. You are my knight of the metro. I knight thee Sir Court House, Defender of Seats.

Oh and to the guy sitting behind me next to Sir Court House, Defender of Seats. I saw you taking a picture of my hair. Did not appreciate you sticking your phone in the back of my head. Although turning around and seeing you freak out because I caught you made my metro ride. So thank you hair fetish paparazzi guy. You made my day.