(This is what I was thinking about during this distressing experience- have no fear, I did not bring my laptop into the bathroom and blog from there...)
Dear woman in the bathroom two stalls to my right,
Please stop making loud, inappropriate moaning noises while I am trying to go to the bathroom. You are not the only person in there. I know that you may not realize that, but seriously, from now on can you please just always imagine that there is always someone else in the bathroom with you who does not want to hear you getting off while you're taking a crap? Its difficult enough for some people to go when theres someone else in there, but its even more difficult and distracting when an overly large woman cannot stop her pleasure moaning for a whole minute. And yes, I can say that you're a large woman seeing as you left your size 1X elastic waist band jeans in the stall between us. Seriously woman, what in the world were you doing that you had to take off your ginormous jeans and then throw them into the stall between us. Do you really get off by going to the bathroom? Really? Thats absolutely disgusting. You made me sick to my stomach but I didn't want to stay in that bathroom any longer. You truly know how to clear the room. On that I give you props. But really, next time, can you please get your kicks in the privacy of your own home. And I pray that you're single. Oh and don't tell me that those pants weren't yours. I saw your sausage fingers reach under the stall to pick them up. Those brown Minnetonka moccasins you saw push them towards you? Yeah, I plan on burning them. You were the last person to see them before they are consumed by the flames to rid them of their impurities. And one last thing, the thank you after I pushed the pants towards you and the smile and hello you gave me when I was washing my hands does not make me like you. Actually it made me wanna gag. I think I would have preferred it if you hadn't attempted any kind of human interaction. Then I could have at least pretended that you were a troll. A giant, farting, moaning troll but no. You had to make sure that I knew that you were human. Just evil. Just pure evil.
The girl who just puked in her mouth
P.S. This goes out to Eppley Airfield- your bathrooms aren't the worst I've seen but for sanitation reasons, it might be best to put the soap dispensers more than 3 inches above the sink. It makes it kind of difficult to wash your hands if your hands don't fit between the soap dispenser and the sink. So all those people in your airport that just came out of the bathroom and have larger hands...yeah...enjoy.